Denise's Mess

Just a post of depression. Just a rant. That's all.

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 06:57:17 GMT

What is this post... it's a post done because typing is faster than writing and I just feel tortured inside. I feel like I'm being punished. Is it arrogant of me to think so? Maybe... maybe not. I remember being belittled in highschool ... when I had voiced concerns about being treated poorly. Someone said to me ... that I shouldn't be so conceited, that people don't care enough about me to target me for their cruelty.

So where does that leave me now?

My father is gone, and believe it or not, I feel like a chunk of my soul is missing. I feel like what's left of my soul is curled up into a ball, and trying to hide in the lower left corner of my torso. I wonder what the point of ... of anything is anymore. I have cause to look back at my life... all 30.5 years of it that I can remember, and all I can see is a constant string of lies, betrayal, abuse and loneliness. I find myself flipping through the disordered, stained pages of my mental scrapbook wondering what I did. Why am I so wrong? Surely... I must have done someone... somewhere... something... some incredible injustice.

I start to wonder... what is the point of being "good" to people? What is the point of being kind-hearted, helpful... considerate? If I'm to learn from my experiences, all that kind of behaviour earns me is ridicule, a slap to the face, a backstabbing... and yet, I continue, like some mentally-challenged afghan-hound walking into the same wall over... and over... and over...

The only explanation I can think of... is that in my past life (lives) I must have been all of the things that have plagued me in this life... the cheating boyfriend(s), the backstabbing school-friend(s), the insensitive and unloving family member, the prejudiced petty colleague, the "mean boss"... I must have been all of them and I'm paying the penance now.

I guess I'm just finding that the passing of my father is just the last straw. Nothing feels... like anything anymore. It's ... just... not worth it. I mean who's going to care about my accomplishments? What does it really mean? What is it all for?

Before I get any messages about "Caring for yourself first"... all *that* has earned me is complete and utter ridicule, with comments akin to "You don't know what you're doing" and "Your accomplishments mean nothing" and "don't congratulate yourself, what you've done is nothing special"... and of course, the most popular "No one gives a damn, so shut up."

I feel that in the loss of my father, my world has lost it's brightest source of hope... maybe it's backbone. I face each day now with this sense of apathy. I won't even get started with how I feel about my career choices right now.

I think that's what triggered it. I had worked and studied for my exam... mostly because I was heavily led to believe that it would mean something, that it would prove my professional worth, that I would have something to show. So I studied. I was cajoled and persuaded to pay for courses I didn't have the money to take... my dad stepped in and helped me.

I was then told (two weeks prior to the huge exam that is only held once a year) to my face that I was going to fail. That I shouldn't get my hopes up... that I was such a poor employee anyhow that it wouldn't matter... that the certification wouldn't open any doors for me in the company, not that I would get the certification anyhow.

So, I took the exam.

My father passed away.

I found out I had passed. I have my certification. ... yet... I feel no joy. Actually, I just feel empty. I am neither surprised nor pleased that I passed. I'm not upset by any means... I just... feel... nothing.

It just seems so meaningless. So small. *I* feel so meaningless... and small. It kinda scares me... but I'm just so numb... I don't even know if I really feel scared.

My Dad.

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 23:40:01 GMT

Sometimes life teaches you lessons in the hardest way possible. Sometimes things happen and they seem so unfair, so unwarranted. It's a constant wonder of "Why is this happening to me and WHY NOW?" I know it's been said a million times before, but life is short, it's unpredictable and you have to really cherish every moment you have.

My dad was my sole familial support throughout the years. If I did badly in an exam, failed a piano test, felt like I hadn't done a good job, he never mocked me, he never scolded me, he would always say "Just keep at it - You will get there". That was my dad. He was always the peacemaker of the family too.

He'd never let us fight if he could help it. His point of view was "If you cut too deep, the scar will never go away". I was just starting to understand fully why he'd done the things he'd done and I was just growing up enough to truly appreciate him, when he was quickly and unfairly taken away.

In late January my dad was diagnosed with a brain tumour. He had the craniotomy to get it removed and analysed. The result was bad. It was highly malignant, class 4. They told us that he had just over a year to live.

How could this happen?

My dad?? MY dad? My dad who’s cholesterol is lower than average, who’s blood pressure is bang-on, who doesn’t drink, smoke or eat poorly? My dad, who played badminton twice a week and stayed healthy, how could he possibly die in a year?

So my dad went for the chemotherapy and radiation for the 6 weeks. Shortly after the treatment, the pills, etc., he collapsed while at home. He was then sent to the hospital to find out what had happened.

Turns out that the chemo and radiation hadn’t affected the tumour and that it had grown back in full and was now inoperable. They told us that he had maybe another 8 weeks.

We were JUST getting around the idea of having him for only a year! 8 weeks just seemed like a cruel joke.

He was then sent to a hospice (an ordeal of horrifying proportions, which will be posted in another entry) to wait out his last days until his passing.

He was happy in the hospice, where he was served breakfast in bed, every need was attended to. My dad grew up with a very poor background, just after the war. The situation of him being waited on hand and foot, being able to make requests and having them met was so alien to him.

I remember him looking at my mom with pure incredulity saying “You mean… I can ask for a soft boiled egg and they’ll make it? Really? Whoa… that’s very nice”. The atmosphere in the hospice helped him thrive, where he was walking with his walker, strengthening his arms and legs… and most of all… he was happy.

Unfortunately not even 2 weeks into his stay, he contracted an infection in his lower leg. This was on Monday, June 1, 2009. He was given medication for the pain and swelling. Tuesday early morning (before 8am) he was rushed to hospital emergency to have the antibiotics through IV straight into his bloodstream, but it was too late. The infection had already spread to his circulation.

The only way the pain could be stopped was to inject enough morphine in him to put him into a nearly comatose state, a deep, heavy sedated sleep. He then went back to the hospice, were my mother, brother and I gathered around him and stayed with him until he passed away at 12:43am.

The coroner examined him and determined that it was a flesh-eating type disease that had befallen my dad, which is why it all happened so fast.

You know when you’re at a state where you don’t think you can cry ANYmore, that you’re DONE with it, that you couldn’t possibly have a reserve of tears left… and then something happens and a new freshet of waterworks comes pouring down?

Well, when we had gone back to the house to gather the items to be cremated with my father’s body, we found a letter I had written him when he was first diagnosed. It was a letter that had in it everything I ever wanted to say to my dad but was always too afraid or embarrassed to say. I said I loved him, and that I was sorry for being such a little sh*t as a kid and that I was going to miss him.

What really got me was when I found the letter, he had actually responded to it, writing notes in the margins and blank space. It was like he was speaking to me. I could hear his voice. So these were his last words to me.

“Do not cry, and enjoy your life. It may be unfair for me to have so short a life, but always remember we do not have the choice. Whether I leave at 62 or 90, I still have to leave. I only wish I can do what little I can for those who will have to come after me”

Love you dad, and I miss you.

James Ding
January 4, 1947 - June 3, 2009

The Meaning of Christmas

Wed, 24 Dec 2008 23:14:44 GMT

Just to warn you all, this is not some sappy warm Christmas story... so if you're looking for something to make you feel all warm and chocolate-syrupy, this is unfortunately not it. I'd advise you read this if you want to *think* and not just buy into the propaganda. It may hurt some to read it, but I expect us all to take it with the grace of adults and not the wrath of children.

So this is my 30th Christmas I've ever experienced (almost... this is actually the eve, not the day itself... not in North America anyhow). My 30th Christmas and I'm spending this time to think, try to relax and figure out what positive changes I can make in my life.

First thing I think I'm going to do ... is to stop being bulldozed and taking crap from people.

I know I've said it in my last few posts, but really... if there's ever a time you gotta stand your ground, it's Christmas. Let me explain.

What is the meaning of Christmas? Okay, the material answer, is presents, parties, drinking! Of course there's also the religious answer to celebrate the birth of Jesus and all that is holy etc. etc.

Then there's the non-tangible, non-visible side of Christmas. Christmas is about the caring, the sharing, the warmth, the giving. It's about being thankful for all the good things you have, your family and your friends.

I'm afraid that this has been very harshly misconstrued and misinterpreted, as we humans are apt to do.

Somehow, we've managed to buy SO hard into the "appreciate your family" business that a certain amount of self-centeredness has occurred as an unfortunate side-product. It's to the point where people are insistent that you *HAVE* to be physically TOGETHER to appreciate each other. Regardless of safety or concern for the other parties involved.

Now if you know anything about my family, you know my mom's never been the lovey-dovey type. Never terribly supportive, but still. I know she's my mom. I know she will very likely never let me end up pan-handling if she can help it, you know what I mean?

Another thing to set the scenario: It has been snowing a rather unprecedented amount in Vancouver. The main roads are "okay" but the sidewalks and every single side street (that pretty much means any street that has a residence on it) have piles and piles of snow and ice. The street crews aren't about to clean up the side streets, and I am not in possession of a 4X4 with snow tires.

In the past 4-5 days there have been more traffic close-calls than I care to imagine. Coming home from work yesterday when it wasn't even snowing, Vince and I nearly slipped backwards and careened into the parked cars on our street, and that was only during the 6 feet it was to get from the main road (which was clear) into the underground parking at our building. Yes, that tiny stretch of "suburban street" was enough to very nearly cause a bad accident.

Today, I am working from home. There is no way in heck I am going outside.

I was supposed to spend the 27th with my family. This is a big deal. Due to our conflicting schedules and the fact that we live on opposite sides of the GVRD, we don't see each other very often... may 3-4 times a year if that.

My mother actually called me (she rarely calls, she knows I'm a terrible phone person)and told me that she'd rather have me SAFE, WARM and NOT SICK rather than fulfill her own desire to have a "family get-together". She told me that she doesn't get to see me often and that she'd like to see me more, and seeing me on Christmas would mean a lot, but that my safety and my health were more important to her.

My father has a 4X4 SUV with winter tires. I don't want my father out there driving with these conditions, especially with the people fishtailing all over the road.

I want to see my family for Christmas. Trust me. It's the one time of year where I know they're going to be NICE to me... where I can actually feel like a FAMILY... but I love them and I want them to be safe too. Why would I risk them now when I can see them under better conditions in perhaps a week?

So my mom told me that we would postpone the get together until there was a more appropriate and non-dangerous time to trek out. After all, no one is sick/dying/in a medical emergency... she said that is exactly what she wants to avoid.

I understand that, I respect that and I am very touched that my mother thought of that. We don't get along very well, but it's times like that I truly understand that she really does care about me and about my well-being. We don't "go shopping" or "do each other's nails and hair" or call each other "dearest"... but when it comes down the the crunch (life, death, taxes), she's there.

I want you all to think about that for a moment. Everyone who's reading this who has ever said to a loved one "Just come OUT... REALLY. I mean... what's a little danger to see your FAMILY? C'mon" or something along those lines. Or even "I think you'll be JUST FINE. *I* think that you shouldn't have a problem, *I* think you can just take the bus if you're so scared"

Really?

Is my presence SO *incredibly* direly important that you're willing to force me to risk my safety and peace of mind just so I can see you and fulfill your dream of "having a happy family Christmas"? I'm so glad you care about what happens to me. I'm so glad you care that the snow is up past my knees and that it's POURING snow outside so that you can suggest I take the bus.

Or ... thank you for trying to guilt me into "CHRISTMAS MORNING!!!!" with the family without consulting anyone whether they had plans already, if they're feeling well among other things, but no no... because YOU want your little dream and happy memory/nostalgia... I HAVE to come out.

This is coming from the same people who have strongly discouraged things like... moving... or going to the doctor in lesser conditions than this because it's "NOT SAFE".

I would love to give people the benefit of the doubt and think that this "forceful outing" technique is because I (or whoever) is *REALLY THAT IMPORTANT*... however...

This begs the question. In these cases is it really so much that you need to see me because you appreciate me, love me and value me? ... Or do you "need" to have me come out so that your pretty picture and desires can be complete? What's Christmas all about again?

As for taking the bus as a "great alternative to driving":

Please refer to the picture I've posted on my facebook page depicting the jacknifed bus in the suburban neighbourhood. See the snow in that picture? That was taken days ago. The snow is now TWICE what that picture looks like... if not more.

Actually, I'll post it right here for your viewing pleasure:

So please, anyone who reads this... before you buy too deep into the "deep spirtual cozy family get together" think about the practicalities and realities of what it's going to take to make it all happen.

Just to let anyone know... anyone who I have refused to make the trek out for, I'm sorry, but I actually care about whether I have another bout of pneumonia again, whether I'm stuck in a car spinning tires overnight, whether ANOTHER car with reeeeally crappy tires side-swipes me and ends my life... selfish of me, I know.

However also please note...

I haven't suggested that any you make any extra effort to come pick me up in your fancy vehicles with your snow tires/4X4 drive and either do a complete double-back or risk your neck on my incredibly slippery, dangerous street because... you guessed it... I care about you.

I can guarantee that anyone who has asked me to spend time with them in the past few days I really want to see, especially on Christmas. It still holds a kind of "warmth and magic" for me, however, I am no longer a child and thus I have to think of Real-Life (tm).

Yes, my life is a little sadder and a little more empty for not seeing you... but it is all the more comforted and warm knowing that you didn't DIE because you were coming out to see ME (yes, I know... another bit of selfishness on my part). :P

So I ask once again: What is the meaning of Christmas to you?

a.) Valuing, treasuring and giving thanks for your family and friends, perhaps sharing a present or two because you saw that "perfect thing" that you just KNOW someone would like.

or.

b.) ME ME ME. *I* want this so I'M going to force it to happen, come HELL or high water, I'm going to get what is MINE. *I* want to see everyone this Christmas because *I* think it's what's best for everybody. I don't CARE what you think... I want what I want!

Before you get all titchy about it and write rude comments... Just think... and be honest. You don't have to tell anyone which choice it is... but deep in your souls, you know. I wish everyone a Thoughtful, Joyous, Pure, Good and Happy Christmas.

Life in the Disability Lane

Fri, 05 Dec 2008 00:34:15 GMT

So if any of you have been keeping up to date with me at all... or care you'll have realized that I think I have found my career calling.

It is suprisingly in Disability Management.

Brief Intro: Employee gets hurt, has to go off work in steps the Disability management consultant and helps them to do various things so that they can go back to work in a healthy/safe/timely manner.

What we do, we make Graduated Return to Work plans, we liaise with various healthcare professionals, we basically try to get the employee every bit of help they need so that they heal properly, can keep their jobs and basically get on with their lives!

Of course, yes, the cynic in all of us says "Don't most people try to buck the system?" ha. That's also where we come in... we gather medical information from the doctors, signed by the doctors to medically back-up all these disability claims.

However, there are times when of course, people lie.

There are also times where I'm dealing with the companies (managers, human resource people) where I really wonder... where is your soul. What happened to humanity along the way? What happened to that whole concept of being "reasonable"?

The company I work for has about 3 big clients... let's call them company A, B, and C for simplicity.

Company A is our biggest, B-middle and C-smallest major client.

All three have managers and human resource personnel which make me really question "Do demons really exist?"

The number of situations I could map out that just make my jaw drop are innumerable ... and may be the topic of the next few posts. You would never believe that these people honestly exist until you live it, breathe it and have to be diplomatic about it!

Just the other day Mr. E (e for employee) had to have surgery. Why did he need surgery? Well... he needed surgery on his nether regions because there was a problem with his blood vessels.

Serious problem... after this kind of surgery any sort of sitting/standing is a little impossible.

The MOMENT I receive an absence referral for Mr. E... his Human Resources manager immediately calls me up with this tirade:

"*I* think that he's just trying to skip out on work! We had an INCIDENT and now he's telling me he has to go on SURGERY!! I think this is HIGHLY suspicious... and I trust that YOU are going to get to the bottom of this"

Of course... by the time I've gotten this phone call, I've had a chance to talk to the employee AND look at his file which clearly shows a few things:

a.) yes... indeed he had invasive surgery
b.) the surgery was definitely necessary
c.) he is most definitely not able to work right now... unless they'll allow him to take super strong painkillers and lie on his stomach all day, which I doubt.

Naturally... part of my company is confidentiality, meaning we don't tell the company people things like diagnoses or specific treatment plans... so I can't tell her exactly what's going wrong... but I'd sure LOVE to.

Sigh... the absolute lack of integrity still boggles my mind... more to come later...

Tired of being "nice girl, great personality"

Sun, 07 Sep 2008 10:12:56 GMT

So 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep... I keep thinking. Thinking... thinking... wondering. Why do I feel so run-down lately... so out of touch...? Why do I have this constant feeling of dissatisfaction?

I think... I think I'm just sick 'n' tired of being "That girl". You know that girl... you probably have "that" girl in your lives... You don't know who I'm talking about? Okay... lemme break it down for you... I'm that girl:

Who you talk to when you're upset... but you virtually ignore when you're happy.

Who is good enough to flirt with ... as long as she can hook you up with her really cute friend...

Who wasn't worth your time to say hello to for 6 years ... until you wanted to hook up with her friend you saw her with one day.

Who was there for you when you were down and out... who was there for you during all your trials... who was there for you when you wanted to DIE... but that you discarded when you didn't have that instability anymore.

Who dated you and gave you a second chance even though you didn't deserve it.

Who dated you even when you told her flat out you weren't sure if you even liked her.

Who dated you even knowing that you still like someone else... and would have chosen that someone else had you the chance.

Who put up with the use and abuse ... and then came back for more... because, well maybe you learned your lesson and actually appreciated her friendship, faith and loyalty to and in you.

Who you constantly talk to about how incredibly attractive, alluring and FABULOUS every other woman is...

Who you speak condescendingly to because you think you know so much more than her... and it makes you feel better... so she keeps her peace.

Who you say to "You're so GREAT.. and wonderful..." and then say "Yeah, Chinese isn't my type".

Who you patronize with "Well, I'm glad that you feel that way... because I know it's just... important to you" (ie: I don't give a crap... but I'm glad you care about this little thing... awww...)

Who feels forced to say "Well... even though he was a jerk, TO HIS CREDIT... he..." even though she knows that person deserves no credit whatsoever.

Yeah. I'm *THAT* girl... and frankly... I'm getting sick of the role. I know the myth persists... you know... good karma... doing good by other people ... it's a great thing because people appreciate you... and all this goodness will come back to you...

Sorry... but it's not happening. I would love to think that "helping people is a reward in and of itself". Sorry I'm not Mother Theresa.

I love to help people... I love to help my friends... and yeah... it means a lot to me. Really though... in the end... I hate feeling like everyone's sister... or everyone's "buddy-girl who's like one of the guys"... or worse, the means to an end.

Speaking of myths... another myth? That having complete and total honesty is the BEST thing in a relationship. I know how that sounds on the outset... NO...I don't want my partner to lie to me... yet... honesty isn't always the most pleasant thing... I mean... let's put this to a situation...

My partner... happens to be honest... in fact... I don't think he could lie to save his life... great, right? Well... actually... it's kinda left me feeling more mediocre than ever. Makes me wonder... perhaps it's true... as much as friends (never family, unfortunately) have been supportive... told me that I can do this... that... etc. At the end of it all... I just... feel like maybe... maybe I'm not anything.

We went clubbing the other night and were talking about dancing... I asked him (and I should know better, I agree)... "So how do you like the way I dance?" ... his response? Honest... "Well, you dance OKAY I guess..." Alriiight... yeah...

Other typical responses (these are actual conversations that happened):

Q: "How do I look tonight?"
A: "Decent"

Q: "How do you like that song/party/movie *insert your own event, thing here*?"
A: " Eh. I guess it was alright"

Q: "So... I got the raw end of the deal with physical genetics between my brother and I"
Response: "But you're smarter"
Response to *that*: "Yeah... but no one cares about that, unfortunately. I mean... I know who the guys want to get with... and it's that stupid, vain, talentless, heartless girl... who happens to be very pretty on the outside" (yes, this is actually referring to a real someone).

That last response was met with silence, then a shrug then "Yeah... you're right".

Life of mediocre... crap. It's like ... being told flat out that there's nothing I do...nothing about me... nothing that I AM that stands out... or is special... or even extra-good... and no... "you have a good heart" doesn't cut it... did you read the beginning of this post?

So now come the comments of "Well, change it if you don't like it"... I know. What are my alternatives?

1.) Be a b*tch. Right... that doesn't go over well.

2.) "Stand up for yourself"... "Don't take crap from people"... guess what... when I do that... I fall into category #1. Thanks for backin' me up.

I just feel trapped in a place where my support, my friendship, my solicited advice... is all just expected, and then completely taken for granted... so that when that ISN'T provided... I'm seen as:

Selfish

B*tchy

Cruel

Insensitive

Not worth your time.

So the question goes... where does the counsellor go when she herself needs counselling?

It is a very lonely place... when you're surrounded by people who either cannot or will not help you... but are more than willing to have you help them.

Have you ever wept in relief?

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 05:56:10 GMT

Seriously.

I'm not kidding.

Have you ever heard something that has produced such a sense of relief and peace that you have almost cried. Honest tears, where you feel like you can really breathe again...

I got a phone call today... not the one that you think. THAT one would be unreal... it would never happen. This one... was just as unexpected...

I'll put it in a nutshell. A friend of mine called today and let me know that not everyone is fooled by Richard's masquerade.

I know... you're wondering... why is this such a relief?

Imagine that you look at an object that you know... you see with your own eyes is BLACK... not just kinda black... or dark grey... but BLACK.

Yet... everyone around you... people who don't even know you that well... they all insist that the object is RED... no doubt... every single person keeps telling you that it's red. You're wrong... it's TOTALLY red.

After a while... you start to wonder if you're crazy. If there's something wrong with you... if you truly are the *only person* who knows it is black.

The finally... someone... someone who you haven't talked to that much... someone ... who you haven't insisted to that the object is black (in other words someone you haven't even tried to influence) says to you "oh yeah... that object's black". The relief... the incredible sense of "THANK GOODNESS" ... that finally... finally someone sees what you see.

I was told today that... it's not just me that knows that Richard Yee is a big fake. That he has serious problems and issues that he takes out on other people ... that he has something honestly wrong with him.

I know this. Of course I know this... throughout the emotional and sexual abuse, the broken furniture, the marked up walls... the nightmares that still plague me to this day... *I* know that he's just all wrong... and harmful.

Do you know what I heard from his friends? Even after telling them what happened... the responses were:

"Well, at least you got to keep that nice tv and that nice couch"
"He gave you nice gifts though while you were going out!"
"Oh... it wasn't that bad... at least you got nice gifts out of it!"

Can you imagine how insulting that would be to you after all the other bullshit you JUST told that person you'd been through?

Can you imagine... I have been feeling that maybe... maybe I'm just wrong. Maybe I am the *sole case* where he did all these things...

And then to hear one of *his* friends... and by that I don't mean his best-buddy or anything (he doesn't really have one)... but just someone from "his world"... not mine... as in someone who knew him before they knew me... someone who doesn't know all the sh*t he put me through... someone I didn't tell anything to...

To hear that ... that someone can see that there's something messed up about him too. To know that he's NOT fooling everyone... that maybe... just maybe... not everyone is BLINDED by his fake-ass facade.

To the person who called me and told me... you may not know this... but I very nearly started weeping when you told me that. I could literally feel my heart pound harder, FELT it beat... with hope! Hope that just maybe... MAYBE... he's not just "getting away" with screwing everyone over. MAYBE... I'm not the only person who sees the monster beneath the skin.

Believe it or not... that one phone call helped to renew my faith in people. To renew my faith in the wisdom and integrity of people in general. That perhaps we're not just a bunch of dumb sheep... only willing to believe whatever is easiest... to be able to admit that those who surround us... even within ourselves... that things are not always what they seem.

Thank you.. thaaaank you for the call... I think... may not have a nightmare tonight.

More tips, reflections and lessons learned the hard way

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 05:36:14 GMT

I have now entered the world of the regular-houred working stiff. What does this mean, you ask? It means I'm a Monday-Friday girl 8:30 to 4:30... even if I worked overtime... I'd probably be home by 6:30pm *at the latest*.

Lo and behold... this gives me more time in the evenings to take stock of things I've learned and things I have experienced in my life... reflect it, chew it, digest it, process it and spit it out here in the blog (errr... I know that doesn't sound very appetizing... just bear with me).

Of course... even though it's my blog... and thus... "all about me"... I want to make it relevant to all who read it... because of course... I'm someone you know... and if you don't know me... I'm probably like someone you know... or maybe even like someone you're close to.

Sadly to say... I fully realize that even though my blog is public *and* posted on facebook... the number of people who read this... well... I probably won't even need all the fingers on one hand to count them. We all, however, must make an effort... as great as the odds are... after all "You can't win the lottery without buying a ticket".

Which brings me to the first of things that I have learned.

1.) If you don't feel and/or believe they can be trusted... they probably can't.

There is an old fable that goes something like this: A pious and good-hearted young monk was walking along a path which was rocky, barren and plainly unpleasant. This monk comes upon a venomous snake in need of help.

"Help me, sir Monk!" cries the snake (for in fables the animals can always talk). "I have been crushed by a cart wheel and am at the mercy of the elements... help me, kind soul!"

The monk, who was indeed a kind soul, stooped and gathered the snake within his cloaks, all the while assuring him that he would naturally care for him.

As the days passed, the monk nurtured the snake to health, providing heat with his own body, sharing his food with the snake (yes yes, these animals all eat human food too... just keep reading.).

One day as they were on their travels, the monk slips and falls, spraining his ankle badly. He turns to the snake and is about to plea for help when the snake rears up and bites him, delivering a deadly dose of poison.

The monk cries out in pain, agony and hurt "Snake! I helped you when you were in need! I nurtured you to health! This is how you repay me?"

The snake simply replies: "I am a snake. You knew I was a snake when you helped me. What else did you expect?"

That story stays with me. It always has stayed with me... it has also proven itself time and time again true. Yes, on the rare *very. rare* occasion people DO turn a "new leaf"... and somehow, some way, their inherent selves are no longer the same.

All too often, however, bad behaviour, instilled behaviour repeats itself... no matter what the consequences or outcomes.

I will summarize my experiences with the newcomers/readers to my blog:

Adrian Leong:
He was a juvenile delinquent, who all throughout our teenage years when we were friends... he was just plain offensive and insulting to me. Would constantly tell me how ugly I was, how unattractive... always constantly talking about ALL the other women he found soooo beautiful... why can't Chinese girls like myself be pretty like that... etc. etc.

He would constantly call me to tell me he was going to commit suicide over this girl, or that girl... or whatever... he knew it just tore me up... made me worry... then when I tried to reach out to him... he'd be mean to me.

Like the monk however, I ignored my instincts about what he would do... and continued to be there for him.

He went to jail for armed robbery... I was one of the few friends that stayed by his side... I was there when he got out... I was there when he was looking for work... for everything and through a *good chunk* of his troubled life... I was always there to support him, and to help him.

Then came a time many years after the start of our friendship where I finally actually needed to turn to *him* for support. It was after the traumatic ending of my relationship with Richard.

He gave me a bit of advice... even saying "You were always there for me... now I want to be there for you." I bought it hook, line 'n' sinker.

He gave me some flippant advice, told me that things went south because it was all my fault... when I disagreed, he got angry... and stormed off and I never heard from him again.

He was always like that... what, did I expect that me being a good friend would actually make a difference to his inherent nature?

Richard Yee
He'd already had a history of freeloading. He totally freeloaded off his ex just before me. In fact, he lived in her HOUSE, didn't pay her a DIME for the bills/mortgage/rent whatever... did the *exact same thing*... paid for the "luxuries" and claimed that they were EVEN.

I don't even know the details... but I'm willing to bet that they were luxuries he outlined... and not her.

The way he left her... he packed up his things and ran his cowardly ass back home to mommy while she was away from home.

Please read the blog post entitled "Surprising Friendship, Hidden Fears and Shame"

There are definite parallels.

Once again I say... It was a snake. What was I expecting?

2.)Don't act like you know something you know nothing about. Now you're just making an ass of yourself..."How can you be a strong person if you've never known adversity in your entire life?"

There is a certain family member of mine who is very fond of "appearing" like he knows a lot... and no, I'm not talking about my father. My dad doesn't make a stupid ass of himself.

ANYhow... this particular male member of my family... is constantly spouting verbal propaganda about how family is #1... family is SO important... if no one else is there for you, family is! You have to be there for one another *slapping hand to chest where heart is*.

This same member of my family says this:
"You know... when you were telling mom and dad... about how upset you were that your new workplace is so close to Richard? Well, don't do that. It's just showing you haven't let go. You know... if I was Vince, and my girlfriend said anything about her ex, I'd flip out"

Right.

SO... y'know... the fact that the guy who... stood by and watched me nearly dip into welfare-like poverty, while he was out partying and vacationing with his friends... the guy who raped me on a semi-regular basis... the guy who actively cut me off from just about everything in my life... the guy who, to top it off cheated on me then left me high 'n' dry...

I'm not allowed to be upset about the fact that I have to actually work near him now?

So.. my conclusions... that family was SO important that this particular family member didn't bother to read the blog...

or.

He's ignorant enough to think that his advice is good advice. Of course... many people tell me "Don't worry... he'll learn"... unfortunately... you only learn and grow... if you believe you still have things to learn... if you think you know everything... well, you're kinda stuck where ya are, now aren't you??

3.)Figure out who your friends are. Keep them. Figure out who your friends aren't. Get rid of them. Figure out who's useful to you as an acquaintance. Be careful around them.

Facebook is a wonderful tool. It's a dangerous tool. It's the best networking tool ever to be created thus far, and it is at the same time possibly the most harmful tool as well.

On this site I strangely have nearly 200 "friends"... and this is with denying flat out certain people who have tried to add me...

Found out today that one of my "friends" actually is friends with the rapist bastard. All this time. He knew. He never said a word. 2 years. That means... the bastard was raping me while I knew this person.

More than 2 years... and I never knew. Makes you wonder what the intentions were for befriending me in the first place. Know your friends...

After nearly 30 years of having 90% of my friends just be "friends in need"... I've decided to be pickier.

I will always be an open, honest individual... who will tell you exactly what I think... and you'll always know exactly where I stand. I have been lied to TOO many times in my life to do that to anyone else. The key is... are you ready to listen to what I have to say?

Too many times... I've given my time, my money, my care, my tears... for people who have absolutely no interest in being there for me when I need them. In fact... for people who have plain out and out snubbed me when they don't "need that shoulder".

No more.

Forget you.

Bite me.

This ain't no free ride, honey. Pay up or get the hell off. I provide probably the best and strongest friendship you're going to ever have... if you abuse it, don't expect to ever find it again.

I don't want to hear "Denise, you're so bitter"... or "Denise, you don't know what you're talking about".

When it comes to what has happened to me in *my* life.. when it comes to how *I* feel about things... when it comes to what *I* have had to go through to get where I am today... to *survive* where I am today... you have no say in that. Don't you dare tell me I'm wrong.

30 by 30

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 01:08:25 GMT

So. It's official. According to the BMI (that's body-mass index for the layperson)I am technically overweight. Yup... it's not in my head... I do not have a disorder... the numbers have it... I have gained enough weight since highschool to be overweight.

Given... I'm not *way* out of whack... your BMI should lie between 19 - 25 to be healthy. I am at 25.5... sigh. Classified as overweight.

I think the real kick in the pants was when I was playing on my friend's Wii... and she has that game "Wii Fit". You can't even LIE to that damn thing... well, I could have lied about my height... but then what's the point?

I enter in my height.

I let the dang balance board weigh me.

Then the little Mii that is there... suddenly got chubby. I was horrified. Absolutely mortified and going red in the face... oh. my. goodness. I'm overweight.

Now I know all the arguments... "BMI doesn't take into account other things... like muscle mass... or bone density..."

Right... well, let me tell you... I am not particularly muscular... so THAT theory's blown out of the water.

I am not particularly large/densely boned... so THAT's no excuse...

I might have been a little full of food when that measurement was taken... but not *that* full.

SO.

The title of this post is "30 by 30". That means... my goal is to lose 30 pounds by the time I'm 30 years old... so that means I have until December 11, 2008 to lose 30 pounds.

I know. You think I'm crazy... or incredibly vain... or all of the above.

I'm not... really.. I just wanna feel healthy again.

In fact... I was supposed to start my 30 by 30 plan about a month ago... but my health has been on the rocks... between the world's most persistent cold and the stomach flu... I wasn't about to start stressing my body at that point.

Anyhow... back to the fat-loss.

Realistically I know that if I'm good about my lifestyle, I'll probably lose more like 15 by 30... but y'know... shoot for the moon you'll land among the stars blah blah blah. If I DO manage to lose the 30 pounds of excess, unneeded FAT though...hey... that's GREAT.

Ahh... my personal mission now has me using my kines knowledge to full use. Man. I knew it'd come in handy someday!! :)

What's even harder is that I now have a desk job! Trust me... I love my job... but I'm certainly not running around like I *used* to. SOoo... I've brought exercise banding to work and sit on a sit-disc cushion to work on my core as well as tone my triceps while I'm on the phone (in the process of getting a headset so my hands can be totally free).

Wish me luck on my journey!

The Journey of a messed up Cabbage Patch Kid

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 16:33:06 GMT

So... Yesterday, Feb. the 27th was the day I got my mandible hacked 'n' slashed to fix my class III malocclusion. Layman's terms? I had one whopper of an underbite that had to be fixed.

I know... half of the people reading this entry are thinking that I'm 'really vain' or 'have low self-esteem about my looks'... I won't deny that having an underbite almost all my life up to this point has been damaging that way... but it's definitely not the real reason I'm going through the agony I am right now in healing from the surgery.

Imagine... everyone at the dinner table frowning and you and making fun of the way you eat... because you, with your underbite aren't able to incise (read: cut) the vegetables in your mouth... so you have no choice but to have them half-hanging out your mouth while you chew. All you chinese folks... you know Gai-Lan? Yeah... not happening... you know how to cook vegetables "nicely" in chinese is to have the leaves all long and uncut? Well... this certainly presents a problem when the front teeth are completely incapable of cutting/tearing the leaves.

Then there's the problem with every OTHER "thin" food out there... name it... sandwiches. Pizza. Sushi. To eat these foods I'd have to basically cut them with a knife and fork into bite size pieces and even then... sometimes I'm not able to chew those small pieces properly... thus resulting in large pieces of food being swallowed into my stomach... with harsh indigestion following.

Naturally... everyone with a "normal" bite refuses to believe me. In this I only have the TINY handful of people I know who had the same surgery to talk to. It's not many.

Sooo... this is day two... the day I spent just about comatose (day of surgery) was day one.

The surgeon's office tells me to drink nothing but fruit juices, milk and thin liquids for the first week.

If I do this... I swear I will DIE. I tried the fruit juice thing all yesterday and up 'til the start of this journal today. My stomach is *hungry*. I don't mean like.. "man.. I sure could use a burger right now"... I mean... flat out... *starving*... the feeling where you feel like you'd LOVE to throw up... but you can't... 'cuz your stomach's empty.

I've warmed up some really liquidy brown-rice congee and am downing that with soy sauce. I'm hoping this helps me feel better... I've also taken some gravol for the head dizzyness... and I can't *wait* for the congee to kick in so that I can stop feeling the empty-stomach nausea.

Oh... a note about meds. when they say "take with food, not on an empty stomach"... they mean it. I wonder if I'm paying for *that* too... ha ha.

okay... time to tie my head up with ice packs again... I hate looking like a mutated Cabbage Patch Doll ... toodles!!

Surprising Friendship, Hidden Fears and Shame

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 23:48:34 GMT

It is true that without darkness there is no light. It is that contrast that makes everything happen. What is righteousness if there is no wrong? What is beauty if nothing is unsightly? This entry will be in two parts... with a clear, non-continuous delineation so that those who wish to read only one half may do so without fear of accidentally reading more than they wish.

I don't take offense if both halves are not read. I am not here to force my opinion nor to "swing" anyone to my side. These words are merely what has happened, what I feel and who I am. I understand that it is only natural to only want to read/hear/feel the good things... I can no longer pretend that there are only good things happening, however. There is always more.

I repeat. You have a choice. Read only what you really want to read... and no more.

I will start with the light.
***************************************************************************************
Warmth, light and surprises

I was contacted a few months ago by three people who I had feared I would never hear from again. Why. Well, as we all know... when relationships end, so usually does the contact between who person A's people are and Person B. It is often considered "unwise" to befriend your ex's friends because then you'll be "tempted" to find out what's going on in your ex's life.

This is completely the opposite for me. I had (and currently have) no interest in knowing anything about my ex. The only thing I miss were the good people I met through him.

So when they sought me out to actually add me to their facebook, I was not only surprised, but a little scared that a mistake had been made. I told each one of them "Are you sure this isn't a mistake. I will understand if you didn't really mean to add me... I won't take offense"... after all ... we know that certain networking sites have a mind of their own and will sometimes spam our e-mail lists without our consent.

All three assured me that it was no mistake. One of them even went so far as to tell me that there is no reason we should not be friends simply because I was not dating my ex anymore.

I think I cried that night.

I think to myself... that they owe me nothing. They have no reason to want to be friends with me... they gain nothing by being friends with me... in fact, it would now take more effort to be friends with me, as I clearly had told them that my ex and I are not on speaking terms... and that we don't wish to ever see one another again.

Amazingly... they simply acknowledged this and we all had dinner last night.

It was hard for me not to start crying then and there when I saw that.. yes.. for real... they actually showed up... that I was seeing them again.

I also finally got to meet the new baby. Two of these people are married and have a new addition to the family... and one of my most bitter moments during my time of depression was that I'd never get to meet their little boy. I was there before they were married, I was there at their wedding banquet... I was there throughout most of the pregnancy... and I really wanted to see the baby. I'm so lucky that I got a chance to do so. I took a few pictures that night:

He is the most... angelic baby. He is the model baby that if you were thinking of having children... that little guy makes you want to have children.

I went away from that night feeling warm and happy. Thank you, Teresa, Hubert, and Harry for being such incredible people.

*********************************************************************************************
Dark, deep, and uneasy

Although that night went so well... it brought to mind much sadness with it. It is the realization that as amazing and warm and sweet as these people are... I can never truly get close to them. I can never truly be as close to them as I wish.

In order for me to be close to them... they will have to care about what happened to me. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem... unfortunately, them caring what happened to me has something to do directly with a close friend of theirs.

Caring about my well-being as a friend, would constitute them having to admit, and acknowledge that their buddy did very bad things to me... and acted toward me in a very cowardly, abusive manner. I know that part of me will want them to know what happened. Part of me knows that they can never know.

That is a huge and very personal chunk of my life that I can never ever share with them... because, as another friend of mine says "You're just going to sound like the crazy bitter ex."... which is disheartening, as I don't think anyone should be so judgemental.

I mean... yes. I am the ex. And Yes... the breakup was hard on me... but to just dismiss me and my feelings... and the events that happened during that relationship merely because of some judgemental assumption? I know it's true. I know that this is why it bothers me that I can never share such things with them.

there is a small part of me that is still so wounded with paranoid fear that I wonder if they were almost just acting as "spies" for my ex... to ensure that I *never* wanted to date him again. To ensure that I was dating someone ELSE to make *sure* that I left *him* alone. This, I realize is extremely paranoid and unreasonable... especially considering they are not conniving people like that. I wish I could tell them that nothing would make me happier than him moving to another planet so that I'd *never* have to encounter him again.

If I told them about that relationship... what would it serve? I suppose I just hate seeing such good, honest, nice people being hoodwinked and fooled by my ex. They think he's this 'great guy'... they think he's such a "good person". If they heard what he really was... I just couldn't see them believing a word of it. I don't know how much of what happened I've even written in my blog. I don't know if I've been holding back... for fear of who would read it.

I realize now though... really. Why should I fear? It's the truth, and it happened. I've also given you a choice. If you're reading this, then you've chosen to know what I'm telling you now... and you have also chosen to act in whichever way you think is appropriate knowing what you do.

I'll go through it in chronological order, even... The relationship at:

3 months: He moves in... brings most of his stuff over, doesn't go home.
He constantly makes promises of taking care of the relationship, of being there for me... for us.

5 months: we get into a fight about getting a dog. I finally give in and tell him that he's right. Getting a dog is too expensive and not right for our lifestyle... at which point he INSISTS that we get the dog anyhow, packs me in the car (while I'm crying because I no longer want to get a dog), drives out... and we get the dog.

6-10 months: I slowly start becoming a domestic puppet. Foolish of me... but thinking that if I do more for him... he'll start treating me better. I cook *and* clean. I wash the dishes, I pay the rent (all of it. No contribution from him)... I pay the bills (all of it. No contribution from him), I pay for the vet bills, I provide him with everything he needs/wants.

11-12 months: I first start approaching him to help me with the rent... as we're living together... and I'm really not making a whole lot... he argues with me that he needs to save up for his business and for his mortgage... then *assures* me that he's looking out for *our* future. Foolishly. I buy it.

13 - 24 months: I'm starting to feel very dejected, neglected and taken for granted. I'm still doing all the cooking... and when I can't/don't want to cook, we go out for dinner... which he reminds me that he pays for (btw, we usually went out to McD's or another somewhat cheap place to eat)... I'm also getting to know his parents who are nice people... he won't LET me get close to them.

He keeps insisting that we "let them" take us out to dinner... but refuses to allow me to do anything for them to show my appreciation. He won't even let me buy them a Christmas gift.

Almost every time we go out, he makes a comment on what I can do to look 'better'... or asks me "you're going to wear that? Can you change?". When we go out... he proceeds to walk apart from me... so we don't even look like we're together. He often leaves me behind. I ask him to walk beside me... because I would feel safer that way... he tells me I'm being foolish and that "of course he'd know if something was happening to me"... and proceeds to walk far ahead of me again.

He develops an allergy to dust *only* when he's in my apartment... but when we visit his parents house so that he can do work on his computers in a crawl space, when he has to do work for himself... his allergy disappears.

When I ask him to help me clean stuff in the apartment... he throws a tantrum, berating me for my insensitivity to his severe dust allergies.

I approach him again to help me with the rent and the bills. He gets so angry with me that he picks up the coffee table and violently overturns it while throwing it across the living room. I ask him to leave. I lock myself in the bathroom crying because I'm scared for my safety and I tell him to leave... and he won't.

Foolishly... I just let him stay.

When I ask him to spend more time with me... instead of constantly going out every single night with his friends... or to stop coming home at half past midnight after making me stay home to care for the dog all day... he does so... but he spends that time with me to either fight with me (Why don't you ever vacuum? Why isn't the bathroom clean? Why don't you want to have sex anymore?)... or to sit down and watch tv... thus ignoring me.

I stop feeling intimate towards him... after he mistreats me all day long and neglects me... he comes back to the apartment, expecting to get laid... he gets extremely angry when I'm "not in the mood".

He starts being marginally nice to me. Then when I don't want to have sex that night, he throws a tantrum, throwing objects around the apartment, screaming "What do you want me to do? I'm nice to you and you still don't want to have sex??" which makes me not want to touch him even *more*.

He starts raping me in my sleep. I would literally wake up with him on top of me, holding me down and forcing himself on me. I cry during the rape. He goes to sleep after he's finished with me. I wake up and I cry... and I get ready for work. He repeats this behaviour whenever he feels like it.

Foolishly... I put up with it. I can't think of anything except that, maybe I'm being a bad girlfriend. In retrospect... this is even scarier, considering that he apparently was/is a volunteer for the Crisis center. Like having a wolf in a chicken yard... he is apparently supposed to console those who are victims of the same crimes that he himself commits.

He continues the abuse. He never looks at me. He is never near me in public. He doesn't sit beside me if he has a choice. He *absolutely* refuses to hold my hand or even walk next to me when we're out... he gets irritated when I ask him to do so.

25 months: I say to him that we've been living together for 2 years... where is our relationship going? Does he love me enough to marry me?

He can't answer.

He wants time.

I say that I'll give him a year to think about it.

26-34 months: I try to be as good a girlfriend as possible... I'm still paying all the bills, I'm still paying all the rent. I'm still doing all the cooking and cleaning... I'm still doing all the dish washing, I'm still paying all the vet bills.

His contribution is to pay for "fun things".

I ask him to help me. He says that he's saving up for his business and for his mortgage.

I say that "fine we'll stop going out so much"... and then he tells me that he's paying more for the "fun things" than he would be if he was helping me with rent and bills.

He flat out refuses to help me. He tells me that I'm being ungrateful because he's paying for all the things that are 'fun' for us. So I ask him if we can go on a vacation. If we can just do a weekend trip to the states. He says it's too expensive, because we'll have to pay for boarding for the dog... I say that I'll help... I'll pay for half the boarding. He says that paying for boarding is not "worth it" unless we're going away on a BIG trip... so that it's worth the "kennel time".

I complain and say "So we're never going to be able to go away for a weekend... he tells me "Well, YOU wanted the dog."

I ask him to tell me when he can take vacation time off work... which he refuses to give me a definite answer. He forces me to schedule vacation time first ("Look. I don't know when I can get vacation. Just schedule yours. I'll work around it)... and then says to me that it's my fault that our vacation times don't overlap.

My company goes on strike... I'm out on the picket lines with very low income. I'm still paying for all the rent.

My company goes off strike... but they're only giving me one shift a week. I am depleting my savings to pay for rent... and he flat out refuses to help me.

foolishly. I let him stay.

35 - 37 months and beyond: Time rolls around for him to make a decision about whether he wants to stay with me or not. Foolishly... I'm thinking that all my sacrifice and giving would make a difference.

He talks to his parents, he talks to other people... he comes back.. and tells me this:

"I've decided that we're going to annoy each other for a very long time. We're going to make this work and we're going to stay together. This is going to work".

One week later, I go to the library... and I come back to find out that he's packed all his things.

He at first lies to me and says that he was thinking that maybe 'living apart' will make us a closer couple. He comes back later that night and tells me that it's over.

I live in a depression for the next entire month.

I meet my current boyfriend... who has to put up with my morose moods...

I start to get irritated and sick of people saying flippant things like: "Just get over it"... and "don't think about it. You'll be fine."... and "just let go."... what else... "It doesn't matter what he did to you."

I found that one the most insulting. That I am to simply blithely forget and dismiss what was done to me. As if I am simply a pawn... simply something to be used as a learning tool.

People tell me "Well, he won't do those things to someone he's in love with. It's not like he'll repeat it". So am I really so EXPENDABLE... am I really so WORTHLESS that he is allowed to do these things to me and I should just "forget it" because he treated me like that simply because he didn't love me?

I then start to pick up my pieces... I find out who my real friends are... and who I can leave by the wayside.

I find out a few months later that he had already started trying to replace me long before he broke up with me. I found out that he'd been hitting on and trying to pick up other women long long LONG before he finally told me that it was over.

This is what happened. This is the truth... as raw and as blunt as it goes. There are more details... there is more pain... but this is the brunt of it.

Then the ultimate frustration... when I start dating Vince... I got comments of "Gee, Denise. You sure moved on fast". The comment then followed by a skeptical look... a look that says "you're really shallow.". I want to scream at them... I want to SHOUT in their FACES "I am ONLY moving on this fast because he REPLACED me before the tears even dried on my face."

And through all this... I'm expected to be happy, satisfied and content because ... why? just because I'm SUPPOSED to be. Apparently the abuse isn't supposed to MATTER.

I might like to add... that all the people who gave me the "forget what he did to you." and the "just let it go"... none of them have been in an abusive relationship... none of them have been betrayed and beaten down by the one person they're supposed to trust the MOST.

I've let it go as much as possible. I still KNOW that it is *not* okay what happened. It is also NOT okay what he did to me. Anyone who thinks I should just "forget it and accept it" ... really think about what you're asking me to do. Think about what if this happened to you.

Climbing out of the Abyss by my fingernails

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 02:26:25 GMT

I wrote this while sitting waiting at the Orthodontist's office... sometimes the best thoughts come at the most inconvenient time... (fortunately they were very nice about lending me a pen and piece of paper):

I'm writing this while sitting in the orthodontist's office... and I'm thinking.

I recently discovered that perhaps this whole process of healing and moving on is more involved than I originally imagined.

If you read my last entry... you'll note that I was upset about my boyfriend making the choice not to move in with me. I felt so shaken and unsure of the relationship that I took my status off facebook... just deleted it. Ever since, I've gotten a barrage of feedback that ranged from "I'm sorry to hear about your relationship" (meaning, an assumption of a break-up) to "What is going on??"

Just today, a friend pin-pointed to me that the reason I'm doing this is because I'm scared and I'm trying to protect myself... she noted that I'm trying to punish him and push him away to ensure that I won't be hurt like I was the last time.

However.

I realize too that I'm also ensuring that I'll never experience the freedom to love without limits, to feel that happiness and fulfillment to really *be* with someone.

I have to make a conscious decision to take this leap of faith... this jump into the unknown... to once again trust that someone will be there for me... even though the last person willingly dropped me and let me fall.

In this relationship I find that I am actually hard-pressed to think of times when there hasn't been a good deal of tenderness and affection. I'm also equally hard-pressed to remember any equally close moments in my previous relationships.

I have to ask myself... when remembering those in the past... what do I remember, what was there, really? Anything?

I remember... being pushed away. I remember boyfriends being embarassed to even walk *next* to me in public... I remember being scolded...chastised for wanting to act like a couple in public, meaning something as simple as holding hands briefly across the dinner table... or an arm around the shoulder in the movie theater... I would be ridiculed and forcefully rejected for even desiring these things.

I remember this moment.

I remember how I felt.

This isn't unusual. I can recall how just about any photo felt if I see it and remember it being taken.

What I remember from this is that Vince smelled like Lever 2000 soap... that he was warm... and that there was no one else in the bar. I think I kissed him shortly after this picture was taken. I don't remember the music... I don't remember any sounds except his breathing and his heartbeat (my head was on his chest just before the photo was snapped).

I do ever... can I really... recall any moments like that with anyone else? Can I possibly remember anyone making me feel *like that*? Most importantly... Can I remember anyone else reciprocating that emotion back at me?

In a simple answer... no.

Then I have to ask myself... even if this relationship ends tomorrow... why should I not be proud of it... to let people know that I experienced a relationship where I felt that way? I have no reason except for my cowardice at being hurt.

I also know that part of the reason for all this is that I have this nonsensical insecurity about myself regarding my physical appearance. I guess this is why it bothers me sometimes to read about "Advice" articles on how men are supposed to approach women. Much of the advice is centered around:
a.) Pick the prettiest one there
b.) Proceed to take the pretty one down a notch or two by talking to the ugly friend that you don't like.

Then these advice columns will detail how the "pretty girl" has to be hand-fed and delicately handled because *all* their lives they've been told they're "cute", "pretty" and "beautiful"..

So what happens when the advice is *so far off the mark* that I want to scream??

Firstly ... for the most part (because we know that nothing is "100%)... those girls who've been "raised with praise" are often immature, selfish, socially retarded and bitchy. Why? Their beauty has ensured that the only social skill they've ever had to develop is how to use their looks to get what they want. Unlike the rest of us "mere mortals" these goddesses have never *had* to be congenial, smart, considerate, or even plain nice. Unfortunately, human nature generally is that we don't DO things unless we perceive a *need*.

On the flipside... some of the currently "attractive" or "cute" females out there... blossomed at a later stage. In their heads... they're still not "there"... so when a guy takes them down a notch... it just destroys them.

So... where do the rest of us fit in?

Let's take myself for an example. I honestly believe I must have been a hideous child/teenager. My mother even told me that I was the world's ugliest baby when I came out. I was teased in school because of my malocclusion (Layman: badly aligned bite)... I was called things like... bull-dog face... rice-picker... I was called downright ugly. I had people tell me that I could make them impotent for life...

To this day... I look in the mirror and I don't know what I see. Since being removed from a lot of people who make me feel bad about myself... things have gotten better... but part of me still cringes when I look at myself... there's a good part of me in my head that wonders why the mirrors don't simply crack when I look into them.

So where do I fit?

Let's say a guy finds me cute. So he wants to hit on me... according to those rules above... he would just be perpetuating my self-loathing... and yeah.. sure.. that'll sure earn him huge points. My reaction isn't going to be "I'm used to getting attention... I'll try even harder"... it would more likely be "Oh. Big surprise... he's ignoring me... I must be looking REALLY bad tonight... let's just melt away into a corner... I hate jerks like that."

Let's say the guy *does* find me hideous... so.. that means that I'm not what.. "worthy" of being dated? That I'm simply meant to be USED as a tool so that the guy can get to my pretty friend?

I don't know about you... but I see somewhat ethical flaws in the method described above.

So... what have I done now? I've put up the relationship status again... he has a key to my apartment... I've jumped. All I can do now is wait and see if he'll make a move to do the same.

As you can see... I got to my ortho appointment really early.

The Almost but not quite curse

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 04:24:37 GMT

So... here I am writing at my livejournal again... on Vince's computer. Why? I'm crashing here the night.. although... I have a feeling it's going to be a pretty awkward night...

Sometimes I feel like I'm in the constant circle of "almost but not quite"... like... looking at a lot of past relationships... everything was "almost, but not quite". Everything. Almost got married to John turns out (phew) that didn't happen... John wanted to marry me. He was ready to propose... but I'd had enough of the abuse and broke up with him before he made his trip up here to propose to me.

Then... well.. the story of Dickhead has been well rehearsed and written about. 'nuff said.

Now... my precious Vince... so sweet... so... guileless... so... scared. I don't know... I'm in a slightly emotional state... as for the past few weeks we've been talking about living together, moving in together... and we've been accordingly moving our stuff around.. recycling things... making space... etc. etc...

Today... he tells me that he's not ready for this huge step just yet. Okay... for the past few weeks he's been breaking out in hives due to sheer stress... at THAT time I asked him if he was ready... if this was going to happen.. he kept assuring me "yes. yes yes yes."... I even said to him that if it's stressing him out this much... maybe we'll wait a bit.... extend the deadline so to speak... and he just said "No. I want to do this."

Then... I guess he reached his breaking point... he talked to a few people... and decided that this just isn't the right thing for him to do. So... he broke it to me just now.

I'm beginning to really feel that this is my position in life... "almost... but not quite". It just doesn't seem that no matter how differently I try things... no matter how hard I try... no matter how *sure* a thing seems... it's... almost. not quite.

I hate to say that it all certainly puts a damper on the relationship. I mean... whereas before I was pretty hopeful that everything was on the good track... on the up and up... that we were actually bonding, getting closer... now... well... not so sure. It would seem the only way to ever survive these stupid things is just to keep distant and cold. Then again... the "experts" say that isn't healthy.

So... now my question is... how long do I put up with this "I'm not ready" business? I dealt with it for 3 agonizing years with dickhead... am I going to allow myself to just be led along again by Vince? I understand that it's unreasonable and not terribly fair to simply axe the guy for not wanting to live with me *right now*... but really... how long does one wait until you figure out "It's never going to happen, and he'll never be ready"... I don't want to end up like my other friend, who lived with a guy for TWELVE YEARS only to have him leave her and marry someone else 6 months later.

I am just so... sick and tired of being jacked around. Input? Ideas? Anyone?

No, the world is not out to get me.

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 02:28:16 GMT

You know... it's always interesting to look back on life and re-evaluate certain things... for instance... certain phrases that are constantly mentioned to me. One of the most popular ones (usually by people who are currently being jerks to me at the time) is... "Denise. The world is not out to get you. So get over it".

I've figured out... that... damnit. They're right.

In order for anyone to be "out to get me"... they would have to care enough about me to TRY to "get" me in the first place!

This has made me come to the somewhat unsettling realization that a lot of my most unjust, angry, bitter moments in life have actually arisen not from anyone trying to get me... but from sheer neglect, by family, friends, and (ex) partners.

I know it sounds weird... but let me give a few examples.

Friendship

There's a guy... someone who'd I'd been friends with since I was... oh... 14 years old. The reason we became friends was because I was willing to give him a chance and listen to his side of the story when all the odds and all the rumours seemed to be stacked against him. Throughout his troubled life I was there for him... I was one of the few friends who stuck around and tried to support him while he was down 'n' out... while he was in jail... after he got out of jail and was frustrated and depressed because no one wanted to hire an "ex-con"...

Earlier this year when I was going through a down 'n' out stage myself... he "attempted" to be a friend... but very quickly got mad at me that I wouldn't agree with his point of view... and his last words to me were "GEEZ Denise... I'm just trying to help. FINE, be that way! Yeesh!" and after that... he never talked to me again. 14 years of friendship thrown away. I've know the guy half my life and supported him and he just chucked it. I guess he figures now that he's got a stable life, he's getting married... he doesn't need me anymore.. so.. to heck with me.

So you see... first example... not that he was out to try to be mean... he just stopped caring.

Family

You know.. they say.. family is family.. and no matter what stupid crap they pull... you'll always forgive them. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just being purely foolish in doing so.

My brother is a wonderful human. He's a smart, witty, talented guy who's a National-Level Tae Kwon Do martial artist. He's come a long way from the skinny little kid that he used to be... he's learned the difference between right and wrong (for the most part) and he stands up for those who are important to him.

Let me share a story about my brother.

One time he was at a movie with his (then) girlfriend. It was before the movie and balloons were released in the theater to entertain the crowd before the movie started (it was a very very highly anticipated movie.. so everyone was seated like.. an hour before the thing started). There was a guy about 10 rows down from where my bro and his gf were sitting...

This guy caught a balloon and back-handed it up the rows, but inadvertently the balloon SMACKED my bro's gf right in the kisser.

My brother saw the guy turn around... give this scared look... then instead of apologizing... he just shrunk into his seat.

Now.. this kind of cowardice infuriated my brother... but the movie was about to start.. .so my brother mapped out where the guy was and waited 'til the end of the movie.

At the end of the movie, my brother runs down to where the guy is, before he can leave, and says to him "you hit my girlfriend in the face with your balloon" and the guy starts basically debasing himself apologizing like crazy... at which point my brother says "NO. You don't need to apologize to me. You need to apologize to her" so he ushers him up the stairs and makes him apologize to his girlfriend.

This is extremely honourable, and no doubt shows that my brother is not ball-less, nor is he willing to put up with that kind of cowardly crap.

Then came the incident of the worst break up of my life in the beginning of this year. I have to admit... what that guy did to me was a million times worse than what balloon-guy did to my bro's girlfriend. My brother starts out all fired up... saying "Well, you break my sister's heart, I'm going to break your face".

Then a few months later.. .my brother *does* see him at a public outing.

He does nothing. My bro stares at him intermittently so my ex knows he's there... but that's all. A few weeks after that... my brother merely says to me "You know. You really gotta let go of this. Just forget it".

So... in the end... his girlfriend is worth an apology... but... his own sister is not worth even that.

Neglect. It's worse than having people out to "get" you.

Partners

*before I start on this section... my current partner is excluded, as he is not my past. He is my present... and hopefully I've learned something after all these years*

There's no use in using one specific example... there are too many that have become a disturbing trend in my relationship history. My relationship history has seemed to have one common thread throughout. I've never felt "safe" with any of my past boyfriends... I don't feel that ANY of them would have come to my aid if anything truly bad was happening to me (ie: mugging, raping, attempted murder).

I know in my heart that every single one of them would have been foremostly concerned with saving their own skins and leaving me for fodder.

None of them cared enough about me to ever listen or respect my opinion, my thoughts, my point of view...

ALL the arguments I've ever had with ANY ex in the past has been centered around them simply wanting to do what was ideal for *them* and them trying to make me "realize" how little importance my thoughts placed in their minds.

SO there ya have it. No one is out to get me... No one cares enough to.

I'm still debating over whether this is better than people actually gunning to be mean to me.

Love is...

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 05:49:27 GMT

What is love. The great question of all time. I think I tried to answer this in another post. Rather... I guess the best question is.. what is love and a healthy relationship?

Love is...

When times get rough... the both of you can suck it up and work it out... and one person doesn't try to blame the other or push the other away because they're not committed enough to handle it.

Love is...

Sharing, respect, honesty and the willingness to take risks and do things you may not have done before... in short, trust.

Love is...

When it's half past midnight, and your loved one takes your dog out to do her business... and he's not exactly even really into dogs, but he takes her out anyhow because he knows it means a lot to her.

Then the dog runs after a skunk and gets a full spray right on the neck/chest...

Then the same boyfriend does a midnight run to find hydrogen peroxide to mix into a de-skunking mixture for the girl so she can get the skunk off the dog...

and then when the dog pukes skunk-smelling vomit on the carpet shortly after the washing, he gets the paper towels and mops it up...

and after all that... he still stays over night and tells her he loves her.

THAT, my friends... has GOT to be love...

Little nice things

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 05:01:38 GMT

So you know... we all (well, most of us) dream big crazy impossible dreams.. like... "I'd love to win the lottery"... or ... "I'd like to wake up one day with super powers". In reality.. sometimes... something small or little can happen.. and for *some reason* that you can't really explain... it makes you feel good... and you feel almost embarrassed because it makes you feel good...

Just the other day... I was getting onto an extremely crowded bus to trek out to see Vin... and yes.. incredibly crowded... and I just kinda... wiggled my way on... I had my backpack, and there were all these people standing around me... and as I was looking around... and to the back of the bus to see if there were any seats... this like... bus-driver who was taking the bus (I kinda like it when I see that...) says to me "Oh, would you like to sit down sweetie?" and he gets up and lets me have his seat... now considering that I was by far not the only person standing and holding on for dear life... I don't know why... the whole incident made me smile 'n' blush.

I don't know why something so small and innocuous should make me feel all nice. At any rate.. it did.

Or like... today.. when a doctor called and was asking me advice about a knee brace for one of his patients.. and he noted my name down and didn't want to deal with anyone except for *me*... that made me kinda smile too... so silly... really, there's only two people working in the store at any given time! Still... somehow.. made me feel special.

WTF IS THIS? I mean... is my self-image and self-esteem SO LOW that these silly little things make me feel so good? Or is it that I've just become more appreciative of the small acts of goodness that happen in my life? Why would this be so?

So odd.

Things I learn in everyday life Part 1

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 01:59:30 GMT

You know... sometimes you have one of those days when nothing spectacular happens, but then again... somehow, you manage to realize a whole bunch of things, past and present... and you just feel like sharing it with anyone who cares to read your blog (which... since this blog is public... the entire WORLD).

Firstly... Never hide chocolate from women (well, women who really like chocolate anyhow). We will find out. Somehow. Some *way*... even if you think you successfully hid the chocolate before we saw it. No. We know when you're hiding chocolate.

This scary truth happened the other day when my DARLING LOVING BOYFRIEND tried to hide chocolate on me. Uh huh... that's right... I say "Why don't we use those chocolate bars..." and he says... "What chocolate bars..." and I say "the ones... that used to be sitting on this table..."... and the charade goes on... until.. he finally realizes.. I *know* about the chocolate. Funny thing... he swears he *never* left them on the table... and swore that he'd hid (oops, PUT) them in the fridge immediately after getting them... hmm...

Secondly... You know how... we "nice" people... or "fair" people... choose to ... uhm... make a lot of EXCUSES for people in general. Like..people who have physical shortcomings... or even mental shortcomings...

Guess what. Fat/Ugly/Down-syndromed people can be f*ckers too. I know... I know.. *gasp shock horror* how could I *SAY* that... I mean... I know... all of you are doing it... you're all feeling GUILTY... an automatic response is usually to give this HUGE benefit of the doubt... "Oh... well, she's grossly obese... but she MUST be a really nice person" uhm. hell no. no she does NOT have to be a nice person.. in fact... she can really just be a grossly obese B*TCH.

I learned this the hard way. It's a story of a time long ago (well, not that long.. about 1 year ago) during the Telus Job Dispute... details if you want them... but just take my word for it... *never feel obligated* to be more forgiving than normal just because it seems "PC".

Thirdly... if you're a consumer... ie: a shopper.. ie: in a retail store shopping... be considerate... if you don't like people thinking badly of you.. and if you don't want to be *this close* to the employee b*tch slapping you... don't be a f*cker. Here are a few beautiful examples:

1.) If you know that the store is closed... Do NOT say to the person working there: "I know you're closed... and you really want to go home.. but.. I'm just going to look around some more." I nearly ripped her head off... if I hadn't been so ultimately shocked by her self-righteous, I-don't-give-a-puck-about-you attitude

2.)If you see... that there are *numerous* other people in the store and there is only ONE sole employee... don't act petulant when the employee isn't completely and totally focused on you and what you're saying... this extends to.. .don't start being RUDE to the employee because they're not doting on you 100%

3.)Just because you're a doctor/lawyer/highly paid nutf*ck... does NOT give you the license to be a jerk. Guess what... no amount of money you have is going to make us NICE to you if you're a dickhead... oh right.. and don't toss bills into our faces either when paying. THAT is earning you a beating in an alleyway.

What else came as an inspiration today... oh yes... don't lie if you're stupid. I figure the only people who can lie successfully and get away with it have to be *extremely smart* ... if you are actually excessively DUMB... do not try lying... 'cuz more often than not... that SOMEONE knows that you're lying before you even have it of your mouth.

A note on friendship: This is a good one.. and anyone is free to respond... how would you define good and true friendship? I've had a few lessons on friendship lately.. the real kind... not the "hey, I see you in the hallway a lot!" kind.

I figure that friends... real friends... the people that you will TELL other people "this is a close friend of mine"... or even... "This is my best friend" are people you're proud to be friends with. They're people who have that kind of THANG... that admirable streak... those scruples that you agree with... so that you would associate yourself CLOSELY with them.

I know it's been said... you can't judge people by who their friends are... true enough... if you're including every acquaintance/casual friend the person has... that's just too many. You can usually get a pretty good idea of who people are... by who their CLOSE friends are... people they ask for advice... people who have helped GUIDE them in life... people who have been there for them in the darkest hour...

I've had far too many "friends" who are just there to be emotional vampires. People who see a sympathetic/empathetic ear... and they just sit there... pour their problems on you... and then leave and party when they're done. People who are there for you while you're "happy and fun" but the moment you hit a rut... they just either berate you or ignore you.

Then there are the "friends" who really don't understand friendship... they think they're close friends to *everyone*... but really.. they've never been there for anyone... not really. I knew a guy named Mike... who used to foist all the problems of his world on me at every conversation... and the ONE time ... I was feeling lonely, lost and I just needed an ear... he decided to completely not listen.. and actually started *laughing* while I told him my problems... because apparently he was checking out a comedy/joke site while I was opening up to him. Yes... he thought he had a lot of close friends... somehow... I doubt it.

Friends... people who'll be there when ya need 'em... as cliched as it is... that's what it's all about... friends... people who will be understanding that you can't always be superwoman... that you have your moments when you just really can't pick yourself up... and will instead take that solid role and be your rock just as you were theirs...

Those friends... the ones who are like your family... and close to blood as they can get without actually sharing any DNA patterns... are priceless.

On that note... relationships (you knew I'd have to stick SOMETHING about that in here)... I strongly believe that in a deep committed relationship... you partner should end up being your best friend... or at least one of your best friends... "they" say that there are some things you simply "don't share" with your partner... and I wonder... why not. If you'd share it with your friends... why wouldn't you share it with the person you're weaving together the rest of your life with? Always puzzled me.

Anyhow... I've had enough of rambling... i'm sure you're all bored to death. For chrissake.. will SOMEONE write to me? I need a distraction.

Random thoughts

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 17:53:17 GMT

First and foremost... I was looking up the meaning of my last name in WikiPedia. I found... a great article! This is for those who don't believe that my last name is actually Chen. Here. read this link:

Chen can actually be Ding

The mystery is solved... and it's proof I'm NOT LYING.

Alrighty.

Another thing... is it's Saturday... and it's an alone day... I was supposed to be running a 3-legged race today throughout downtown Vancouver.. unfortunately.. for those who have been keeping up with me.. I got really really sick just recently... and am, in fact, still on antibiotics... so ... I just figured... probably not the wisest idea to go tromping around in the rain in this condition. The boyfriend is going without me... and has in fact decided that he wants this day away from me to do his own thing.

This is probably what prompted me to think a lot about relationships. Ever since that tragic event back in January... it's given me a lot of pause.. and in fact has had me view relationships very differently.

Sometimes, I can feel myself compartmentalizing... like.. how a part of me is "in" the relationship... but part of me is also looking AT the relationship from the outside. It's a little weird. Sometimes I feel like two people in the same relationship (yay. it's a party in here...).

I guess I kinda wish I had this perspective about 5 years ago. I probably would have dumped John a lot sooner... and I know I would have split from Richard after like... 5 months. No seriously... I was recently asked "If you could erase all that relationship... would you really?" and you know what? If I could erase all of it except for the first 5 months... I probably would gladly erase it. So much of it was wasted effort on selfish deaf ears.

It's really weird looking at past relationships from this distance. It's equally strange being able to see people for what they are without the complication of emotion. It's valuable... but it's... kinda scary.

I can give a few examples:

Let's start with JOHN:

Emotional self:"I'm sure it's just as hard for him to be away from me as it is for me to be away from him"... "I know that we fight because we don't have enough time together to really work things out"... "He takes me out and spends money on me because he loves me"... "He wants me to move to California with him so I can be closer to him."

Objective self:He loved me but didn't know how to treat someone that he loves and cherishes. The only way he knew how to do that was to control and manipulate the person. When he did things that were wrong (like cheat on me), he figured that constant denial was the best way to save his ass. Since he felt that the only way to truly *have* me was to control me, he either consciously or unconsciously mistreated me to encourage me to think that I couldn't live without him because I was useless on my own... that I was a bad person and I needed him to make me a better person. The resultant breakup was devastating in that his plan didn't work and he lost me anyhow.

What's even worse is that after the breakup... he still continued to try to talk to me... even though he had threatened repeatedly during the relationship that if we broke up... he'd never talk to me again... that it would be like he never existed.. that he'd just completely disappear from my life... which is a scary thing to most people.

Watching him try to communicate with me AFTER the breakup... when I was no longer involved with him... it was really odd.. and frankly completely unbelievable that he was trying to guile me back into a relationship.. that he turned all sweet and nice again... when only weeks before he was berating me for being a bad girlfriend.

Okay... let us move onto RICHARD

Emotional self:"It's okay that he doesn't contribute to the rent or the bills... because really.. he's saving up money and investing it more wisely so that we can have a more stable future for the both of us"... "He spends all that time catering to his parents and doing their work because... it's to take care of his inheritance... which will only benefit our future together"... "He's busy because he's working hard to make a better life for us!"... "He constantly leaves me to go do things on his own because, well, he needs his own space too."... "We fight and we argue because I probably am unable to see things the way I'm supposed to... and he's getting frustrated"

Obejctive self:He went out with me because I was so into him that he knew/thought it would be easy for him to mold and bend me to whatever he wanted and that I'd be happy with it. He saw my eagerness to please him and stay with him... and for the longest time I just basically did what I was told and did everything for him and only him.

His commitment to me only went as far as how much he could bend me to his way of life. It was never a case of both of us growing and changing so that we could integrate and intertwine to make a new structure... but it was always him trying to force me into the round hole when I was a somewhat malleable square peg. He finally figured out that he probably COULD make me fit... but that eventually my squareness would find a way to burst free and he'd just have to work all over again to make me fit.

If he had truly cared and truly loved me, there would have been a growing, changing and accepting coming from both sides. His current attitude is that we never communicated enough. If any of you have ever talked to me, however, you know that I communicate plenty... and all the time.

I don't see his lack of willingness to communicate with me as something that's necessarily inherent in him... I do believe, however, that underneath it all it was that he simply didn't actually like me or love me as much he *said* he did... but it was easy to let the facade go on... when a real decision that would affect him... where he'd finally have to take responsibility for the relationship... that's when he realized he couldn't just happily use this anymore...

This is when it comes to the surface how he really felt... which in truth.. wasn't a heckuva lot.

I still find it amusing that he thinks he went through this "tragedy"... and that it's been "so difficult" for him... seeing as he started dating less than a week after dumping me. It just boils down to the fact that he can never admit that he actually did a very cold and wrong thing. To this day he is still trying to put the blame on me... saying "It is up to you if we're friends, but we have to forgive and forget"...

Funny... betrayal doesn't often beget friendship. He doesn't seem to understand that.

Anyhow.

So that somewhat objective 3rd party part of me... kinda looks on these things with a certain amount of... incredulity.. like... "how the hell did I let that all happen.. how did I let that fog just... completely blind me?"

It's kind of like... now. Y'know.. it's fine and dandy that my boyfriend needs a day or two to himself... we all do. I was of course a little surprised that he'd choose a weekend to ... do it... seeing as we don't live together and no... we don't see each other all the time... and really.. it's only the weekends that we really do get to...

however... I'm not about to make a huge deal about this... but my objective self is definitely filing this away... and watching for patterns...

I've been told that I'm acting like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...

In truth... That's kind of how it always is, isn't it? You keep a certain amount of SELF to yourself... and you get close to people... and you share a lot with that certain someone... you can commit yourself to them... in the end and at the heart of things though... there should always be a little bit of preparation just in case things really don't work out. If you're not prepared or have any sort of vague backup plan.. you end up like me back in January. Broken, lost, dispirited, suicidal.

I've learned over the past few months... that... really.. nothing is permanent.. and one can never get too comfortable.

In the last six months...

1.) One of my oldest friends has decided I'm not worth being friends with anymore because I wouldn't follow his advice and refused to take the blame for the dissolution of my relationship with Richard.

2.) I've realized that no matter what people say to me... quite often, they say it to make me feel better... and not necessarily to follow through... so really.. I'm actually quite alone (ie: my brother promising to defend me in that if he ever saw Richard that he'd either scare the crap out of him or beat the crap out of him... he got his chance... he did neither... *shrug*, which is reasonable... I mean... who really goes dishing out come uppance nowadays anyhow?).

3.) No matter how into you someone might be... there will be a time when y'know.. they're just really not into you. So don't get too used to it... and never take it for granted. Of course... there are exceptions to the rule... but don't go in thinking that you're the exception. You COULD be... but... remember it's kinda like winning the lottery.

4.) You start to think that people want to be your friend... and in truth... they just want to try hitting on your single friends.

5.) My family.. just when I start to believe that I'm getting some headway... some closeness... some trust... some.. ANYTHING... they start with the whole cycle of belittling my life, my choices and everyone IN my life as well.

I often think of that phrase "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"... then I think of Vince's amended "What doesn't kill you the first time often succeeds the second time".

I'm starting to wonder if someone/thing is really trying to kill me.

So sick... had bad dreams... shoot me.

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 01:25:07 GMT

So... here I am... on my second sick day in a row... stressed OUT because it's my second sick day in a row... I don't do this... I don't SKIP two days of work... albeit... I can't talk, my throat feels like it has a spiky golf ball shoved down it, and I'm producing more phlegm than I believe my body can actually realistically contain... but really.

I have to write something... this is driving me crazy. I had a bad dream last night. I know... sounds insane. Sounds INANE, actually. A bad dream... what is that... really. Nothing! Right? Absolutely nothing... it means nothing... holds no portents for the future...

and yet...

My nightmare last night bothered me all throughout today.

I thought I'd never have to have dreams like this again... I thought I was done waking up feeling humiliated, lost, angry, hurt, and neglected...

My dream:

I'm taking a class, actually, I'm instructing a class... something in music. Suddenly the door slams open and he's there. Richard. He looks right through me... in fact... he looks at me the same way he looked at me when he told me that he wanted it to be over...

He comes into my room... my lecture hall... my class... and he has the new girlfriend in tow. He smiles at me as if there's nothing wrong... and he pushes me... actually PUSHES me towards her... and forces me to introduce myself to her...

She smiles back... and tells me that she's taking over my class.

Then Richard pushes me out of the room, and I look at him and say "You've told her you love her. You've slept with her too, haven't you". He says to me "Yes, of course. I love her. I never loved you."

The dream ends with me pushing him away... not wanting to look at him... and yet, for some reason I can't see anything else.

Stupid dream. It shouldn't have stayed with me... I shouldn't still be feeling like this... logically all factors say that I should have forgotten this dream 2 seconds after I awoke... unfortunately... all it does is make me think.

I've recently been surprised and somewhat flattered that recently... a good chunk of Richard's closest friends have decided to continue being friends with me... I don't know what to say. I enjoy the thought of continuing my friendship with them... as they're all very good people who I enjoyed spending time with... at the same time, however.. these are people who I could never truly be *close* to... as I could never share my 'side' of the story of what happened btwn Richard and I.

I often get the comment along the lines of "Gee Denise... you move fast" (referring to me currently dating V)... and what can I say in defense of that? Richard hides so many things from his "close friends" that they probably have no idea... nor would they believe me... if I told them that:

1.) Less than a week after he dumped me... he went to a fancy restaurant with another woman.
2.) Less than 1 month after the breakup... he was already advertising himself on lava life... and was already casually dating 2 different women
3.) He's currently in a serious relationship with someone else... and he's dating her as if he'd been dating her for a long time (expensive outings and the such).

I guess I find it rather dissatisfying to know that they would merely think of our separation as something that "just didn't work out"... that's a little bit like saying that Gangrene is "just a wee little infection".

It's funny too how people try to comfort you in such matters... a tip... saying "Well, you've got it good now. So don't think about the past"... doesn't really help... 'cuz guess what... that doesn't change the fact that... I was lied to. I was led along... and even if he didn't cheat on me physically... I have a *very* strong suspicion that he was subconsciously "shopping around" before the end came near... and perhaps... he saw some promise in someone else, which prompted him to end our relationship (even after he promised marriage a week earlier).

It drives me insane. I suppose it just drives me absolutely insane that he's continuing to plaster on that smiley-face... and continue doing what he's doing. All I was to him was "just another girlfriend"... I can almost guarantee that he's just about forgotten my name by now.

All these thoughts also prompted me to think... what IS love anyhow? So... I sat down one early morning a few weeks ago... and this is what I came up with:

What is Love?

Love is a thing that has been sung about by countless songs, written about in countless poems, and something so intangible and yet valued above all else. What is love indeed.

There are many answers and many theories… here I’m going to write simply one of my theories… a theory cobbled together from things I’ve learned in the past and things I’ve read in research… as of today, July 10, 2007, this is how I define that mysterious thing called “love”. It may change in the future… but here’s what it is now.

Love is:

- When you have a conflict or you’re angry with your partner, you don’t feel like dumping them and running away. Instead, you feel like this is an opportunity to learn more about each other and resolve a conflict between the two of you so that your relationship becomes stronger and based on a deeper understanding

- You’re not afraid to tell them that you love them, to open up to them… even if they don’t say the same things back to you right away… the way you feel is unconditional, and not hung upon “Well, you have to say you love me first”

- When you can share so much of yourself with the other person, yet still know who you are inside and not lose that. You keep that of yourself so that you always have something to give to the relationship, to make it better.

- When you can think of your actions in a sense of how it affects both of you equally… not only how it affects you and your own life.

So there you have it... my current definition of love... and if I have to look at it... looks like Richard never truly loved me after all... it was one 3 year long set up to figure out how to get away from me.

So... for any of his friends who wonder how I "moved on" so "quickly"... I can tell you... I've moved on because I've had to. I've moved on because there's no use holding onto something/someone I never meant a damn thing to.

Do I still hurt? Oh yes. Do I ever EVER want to hear about him/hear his name again? No.

What can I say about my current relationship except that it's healthy. Even though I am still bitter about the last relationship... I'm not allowing that hurt to affect how much of myself I put into this one.

Another note that sucks right now though... looks like Telus hasn't finished haunting me after all... just got a note from the government demanding that I pay BACK benefits that were paid out to me... because apparently what I claim to have worked and what TELUS claims I worked... are two different things... and of course... for the pay periods in question... I mysteriously don't have the pay stubs anymore... why? I have no idea... I swore I kept every single one.

I'm so screwed.

Dating and Relationship Tips for Males/partners PART TWO

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 16:15:59 GMT

So... hello all, I'm here again with another edition of my dating and relationship tips. Please remember this is not a direct reflection on my current situation... but when the thought takes me... I realize there are things out there... people need to *know*. My tips and mullings are from years of relationships both good and bad:

13.)Giving unnecessary fripperies in lieu of responsibility is NOT appropriate
What I mean by this is... if you're living with someone... and instead of helping out with necessities for day-to-day life, ie: rent, electricity, cable bills, internet bills... you decide to buy luxury-item-gifts, like... a sound system... or a big-screen tv... and then decide that because you've done *that* that it's all even... you're dead-ass wrong. This is especially true if the partner who is paying for all the necessities has made it clear that she does not *need* these luxuries. This is also excruciatingly especially true too if the partner doing all the frippery buying is making twice as much as the person paying the bills!

14.)On the flip side... being frugal/thrifty is okay... being calculative is NOT okay
It's all good that we can stand on our own two feet... it's all good that we can buy our own clothes and get our own luxuries... but... when it comes to the point when one partner is constantly bringing up "So. How're we going to split this" on *everything*... you name it... books, luxuries, dinners, lunches, game controllers, recyclable goods... *NOT COOL* If I pick up the bill for lunch one day... or I see something that my partner likes, I can afford it... and I get it because I was thinking of them... I wouldn't *dream* of asking them to "split it" or "Pay me back"... that's just... what's the word? Asinine?

15.)If you need help with something, it is OKAY TO ASK FOR HELP.
There is nothing worse than NOT asking for help... bottling it up... then freaking out on your partner days, weeks, months later for "never helping"... and being "unwilling to participate". Just as you say to US "We're not mind readers"... uhm.. well.. women aren't either.

16.) Sometimes... just sometimes... we like you to be a *little* jealous.
I know this sounds crazy. What I mean is... we'd like to know that you value us as being monogamously committed to *you*. It always makes us wonder just a *little* bit... if we say to you "Oh.. we're going out to coffee with a bunch of men"... and your only response is "uh huh. Seeya. Have fun"... and that's your response EVERY TIME. It kinda makes us wonder sometimes "Uhm... so... why does he care so little that I'm hanging out... ALONE... with... other guys... does he not value me? If I just ran off with someone else... would he just... not care?" I don't mean, either... to get all crazy-jealous and demand the male-friends blood-type, fingerprint, residential address... just... show that you *care* and are AWARE that your girlfriend is an attractive person and that you'd kinda maybe PREFER she didn't tempt other guys. :P Maybe that's just a "me" thing :P

Alright.. that's all for now... the bus awaits... and so does work... don't you hate it when the boss gives you crap to do on MONDAY... but dumps it on your lap on FRIDAY so your entire weekend pretty much SUCKS ASS... 'cuz you're thinking about what you have to do on Monday? Yeah... I hate that too.

Take care all!!

Differentiation and revelations

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 15:26:32 GMT

So... been a long while since I've written here in the blog... why? Well... I've been happy, busy and not terribly contemplative as of late.. and thus... nothing to write.

However.

Simply because I'm writing in here now does not mean I'm not happy... or not busy (I'm banging this out just before I have to run to the bus stop for work)... I have been rather contemplative!

I've been auditing (ie: sitting in) on a course at UBC, called FMST 316. It's a course called "Human Sexuality". Hey. Get your minds out of the gutter... it's not ALL about the sex... it's about general relationships, intimate relationships between humans as well.

I figured that this would be a good course to give me a general better understanding of what I'm like in relationships, what I could improve... and maybe shed some light on ... wtf went wrong in all my PREVIOUS relationships??

So... in this course I learned about this fabulous thing called Differentiation.

To sum up in a nutshell... Differentiation is based on being able to be your own person and yet still have close intimate relationships with others. The key? BE YOUR OWN PERSON. Do NOT get ENGULFED by the other person... aka:

DON'T SELL YOUR SOUL

Other key factors ... when there's an obvious imbalance of power... as in one partner is trying to completely mould the other into something he/she is not... the constant phrases such as "Oh... well, I love you... but I'd love you more if you did...*insert behavioural change in here*"

This si where I found out that being "one" with someone is something called Emotional Fusion... and as I've found out... is not exactly healthy... it makes us less able to deal with change (ie: the end of the relationship... one partner cheating... moving to a different country...). When that change happens, we are so unequipped to deal with this change that "bad things happen"... like... depression, alcoholism, etc. etc.

A big part about being a more differentiated individual is also in the ability to "let go". Seriously. To Let sh*t go. I mean all of it. Don't harbour crap. Basically... if the proverbial crap hits the proverbial fan... yes, you can probably be upset (after all, human is human)... but it won't destroy you... because just because the other person left... you still remain... and as long as you know who you are... life can go on.

I found that maybe Richard's and my relationship was terribly undifferentiated... where I was willing (just about) to sell my soul to be with him... and he was all too eager to take it. That would be it in a very short synopsis... about why it lasted so long and then ended so abruptly... think about that for a second.

All in all.. the latest thing? I've realized that there are a few things missing from my apartment that technically... are kinda rightfully mine... that *he has*. Of course... in the end they are just "things"... but... I'd really rather have them back.

1.) My inline skates (which are child-size because my feet are retardedly small)
2.) My inline skate padding (knees and wrists)
3.) The little Roomba Vacuum
4.) the wireless router

I know this doesn't seem like much... but really... those things are technically mine. I didn't "pay" for the Roomba or the router directly... but seeing as Richard didn't contribute anything to rent/bills/general household chores (not without a huge fight anyhow)... I'd say those items are mine. It's not like he can't afford to buy replacements if he REALLY needs them either.

So.. I wrote him an e-mail basically asking for my sh*t back.

To date, he hasn't responded. We'll see what happens.

In other news... I'm very happy, satisfied and content in my current relationship... he treats me like gold and I adore him to bits.

I'm going to be late for work.

C U all l8r!

Just when work is just about perfect...

Fri, 18 May 2007 02:44:43 GMT

It's funny... I have this job that I'm at now.. that pays me a third less than my previous job... but.. I love it a million times more.. the people are great.. I even like my boss(es)... they're friendly good smart, down-to-earth people who understand what it is to care about their employees and not simply the bottom line.

I consider myself extremely fortunate to have found this company. I find myself extremely fortunate to have found these people... and I have started looking at workplaces in general... and have been hearing stories about workplaces from friends and acquaintances... and sometimes I wonder...

Really.. when do you say.. that enough... is enough... and admit... that a person that's been hired... is utterly... useless?

Let's say you have an employee... who... has worked at this place, this company... past the probation period (more than 3 months)... and still.. is unable to count cash properly to close at night? How... do you continue to look past the fact that an employee makes the *same mistake* about the *same thing* repeatedly, no matter how often s/he is told not to do it?

When other employees have noticed.. that this employee often says things like "I could work more... but.. I don't really want to.. 'cuz.. I'd rather do other things... like... play golf" (btw, said employee is not full-time, but is claiming s/he has the availability to be, but just doesn't feel like it)... and that this employee will make impossible situations for other employees and does not CARE because s/he doesn't have to deal with it the next day... ie: "There are no spots for appointments tomorrow.. but you know what? Why don't you just call anyhow... and FORCE them to give you an appointment?" (of course... said employee isn't working the next day...).

When this same employee... takes it into his/her head that it's okay to bully and push around the newer employee merely because the newer employee IS newer... is this really OKAY?

Is it really kosher to... have attitude... at the expense of the well-being of the company and without using common sense or... even consulting with co-workers that you should be coordinating with that same day?...

And when caught with the proverbial pants-down... should you *really* be giving attitude to those who have called you out for being wrong?

... And after all this...

... and after all the training that one has supposedly gone through...

If this employee... after numerous months... still:

a.) Gives wrong advice about product
b.) Tries to bully/push-around new employees by over-talking them... or correcting them(wrongly)
c.) Cannot perform a simple straightforward duty, such as count change accurately
d.) Makes comments constantly about how s/he would like to purchase things for him/herself... but shows *no* initiative to help/assist co-workers or clients
e.) Is still unable to competently inform clients about the most basic products correctly...
f.) repeatedly makes the same mistake, in the same situation, over and over, regardless of how many times their told... then blames OTHER people for not bending for them enough
g.) Gives attitude and whines like a mofo when caught and challenged for doing 'bad' things (like purposely making bad choices simply because it's easier, and s/he knows s/he doesn't have to deal with it the next day)

What reason would one have to still be forgiving and say "Oh... s/he needs more support and guidance"??? I am really quite puzzled...

Karaoke Throwdoooowwwn!!

Fri, 11 May 2007 04:50:51 GMT

Hey guys... so I promised a video of the illustrious SM Manager, the AndyMan... on Karaoke throwdown night.

Andy. You've been 'Tubed. :D

You rock!!!

Wow. I reeeeally have to get my sh*t together

Tue, 01 May 2007 16:24:07 GMT

You know that old saying of "Be careful what you wish for... because you just might get it"... I think I might be going through that right now. My life thus far, relationship-wise has ranged from the very young and immature to the very old and immature... and has waffled and oscillated between those who had a plan in life, financial stability and a sense of independence... to those who have no clue what life holds for them, complete financial instability, and the inability to let go of mommy's apron strings. These traits don't always manifest themselves in that order or in that combination.

My most recent 3 relationships (including the one I'm currently in) have all been pretty different... I should hope with each one improving over the last. These 3 relationships have probably had the most influence over where my life has/is headed and my opinions/attitudes towards relationships in general... as they happened during a time when I'd finally grown into myself and my own skin (so no one was exactly telling me who I was anymore), as well as they were probably the most serious of the lot (as in I'm probably taking those relationships more seriously... due to the stage I am in in my life).

John was a guy from California, who had more money than he knew what to do with, and more than he knew what to spend it on. It was fun in a romantic sort of sense... the guy out in a far away sunny place like California... lavishing me with gifts, pampering me with object material things, taking me out to dinner... but... was completely and emotionally abusive. He was constantly trying to alienate me from the life I knew and loved. He nearly asked me to marry him... and thank goodness for NOT giving in to THAT.

Then there was Richard... who I lived with for three years... and I mean lived with.. as in we spent day in, day out.. went to bed together, woke up together, shared a life together... well... sorta. Whenever it came to finances... he was generous as hell with... the dinners, the gifts, once again, all the fripperies that were sorta unnecessary. Whenever it came to pooling in money for things that affected both of us (like rent. And the Bills. And the Dog's vet bills)... he magically shied away and claimed that "other things" were tying up his finances... and that honestly... he really didn't see a good purpose in making me "dependent" on his income helping me out... JUST IN CASE something happened (oh, hello... warning bell... shouldn't I have left his ass RIGHT THEN AND THERE).

So... after those two nightmares of men who definitely had a plan in life... apparently knew who they were (as much as they claim to have had second thoughts about how they deal with things and who they were... really.. they haven't changed one iota... except that they now have girlfriends who fit *them* better... as in .. they're mini-clones of themselves), had financial stability and success... but were both emotionally detached, distant and frankly... rather bad for me as a person, for my ego, my self-worth and me growing as a person.

So. What did I do... I wished for something DIFFERENT. Yes... probably something different. The number one thing? A guy who's not a f*cking jackass! Is that really so much to ask. Really. No. Really. Think about it.

Out of my rather desperate moment of loneliness I went onto this site to meet more people... Vince falls into my lap out of the sky... and charms me... with a rubiks cube. Go figure. I'm now in this wonderful healthy(er) relationship with him... unfortunately... good things never come without a price.

1.) He's a beautiful, talented starving artist/writer/actor/eccentric genius. As romantic as this sounds... it can get kinda stressful... for both of us.

2.) It's made me realize that even though I have MOST of my sh*t together... I certainly don't have all of it. It's really hit home (as of a rather annoying tiff last night)... that I really really really gotta get my license... and my own place, stop renting.

Number 2 is the doozy. Having to come to terms with the way one's been living life thus far isn't *quite* cutting it... is kinda scary. Yes... even with the soaring gas prices, and the phenomenal cost of insurance... I need to drive. I need my damn license.

When I was with John... I lived with my parents... didn't go too far... would crash at a friend's place if I was out late enough so the buses didn't run. No problems... no license.

When I was with Richard... he drove EVERYWHERE... he *refused* to take the bus... unfortunately, also, as a result... I never really got any "support" in getting my license... as he always thought that my finances could be better allotted "elsewhere"... and was constantly giving me reasons NOT to get it (once again, insurance, gas prices, etc. etc. Seeing as he had no idea what it was like to NOT have the option of a car when living alone... he would spew this bs all the time... claiming that he'd take me anywhere I needed to go ... I think we can all see where THAT led to).

Now. With Vin. The complete and total opposite of those other two. Sweet, smart (actually smart... not just spewing bullshit pulled out of his ass to SOUND smart), caring, warm... he pays attention to me, he can cook, he loves to do things... he supports me in just about anything I want to do (even if he's not really *that* into it... can we say... tattoo?)... is perfectly entertained by SO many of the same things I'm entertained by (please refer to the Science World blogpost... AND we're planning to see Spiderman 3 on opening night)... buuut...

1.) New relationship.. things are still getting massaged and worked out (hopefully the big knots will be dealt with early... with the little knots being worked out throughout the relationship... 'cuz relationships always take work. Always. No coasting).

2.) He has a license ... but detests driving (he gets rather bad road rage). Which is only a problem because *I* don't have a license... hence... gotta get my crap together.

3.) Being as this is his first "real" relationship... well, let's just say I don't know sometimes if I'm just setting myself up to be burned in the end.

If you want anything done right...or done at all... you gotta do it yourself... and geezus, I really gotta get it together.

The weekend

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 10:08:58 GMT

Firstly... for anyone wondering why I'm up at 3am writing this... uhm... I was going to go to bed about 3 hours ago... then I started flossing my stupid braced up teeth... and was fixing my printer... and I got all awake again, thus here I am writing.

Read on:

Well... I have to say that after one of the more difficult weeks at work... weekends are seriously lifesavers. I'll not go into my rather unexpectedly rough week at work... I'll put something positive in here... I'll talk about the weekend. First of all. I firmly believe that every hetero woman in the world should have one of these in her kitchen:

(no. You can't have mine. Get your own half-naked man to cook dinner!)

Anyhow.. that out of the way... that's how my weekend started. Not bad!

So... Sunday was beautiful... and naturally we... went to Science World to see the chocolate exhibit, where, yes... they give out free chocolate if you watch the chocolate information show. :D I think you know that I kinda... 'watched the show' more than once...

Naturally, however, it is not such a good idea to allow chocoholics-in-denial (as well as small children) free-run in the chocolate exhibit... especially where there is a display of absolutely *Ginormous* chocolates... see what I caught on camera???

Anyhow... I got a proper mugshot of the adult perpetrator... look at how bad-ass he looks:

(We all know the truth though... c'mon... a GUY chocoholic??)

So, after prying ourselves out of the chocolate exhibit... we stumbled upon a neat little exhibit that would show us what we'd look like when we were 70 years old. Seeing as neither of us are even CLOSE to that age... we thought... "Heck. Excellent idea... let's check it out"... of course.. there was a line-up.

It was rather interesting to watch all the other people go... and watch them all age into crazy-wrinkled old prunes and the like... nearly unrecognizable from their current selves. So.. we... the two asians... hopped on the computer... and.. uhm... this was the result:

(If you're thinking what I'm thinking... that's right... we asians really don't age very quickly!)

At any rate... the perfunctory stop was made at the plasma ball.. because.. if you go to science world... you *have* to have a go at the plasma ball... and try to tell the future. It's like going to Idaho... you just HAVE to have a potato!

:D

So... finally. They booted us out of Science World... it was like.. they wanted to go home or something...

All in all... it was a fabulous day... And I know that even though we tried to thieve the giant chocolates... the real reason Science World didn't kick us out sooner was.. 'cuz... y'know what? We're two sexy bitches.

C'mon... I dare you to deny it.

Lost and Found

Tue, 17 Apr 2007 16:21:05 GMT

What does one do... and how does one react... when it is thought that something was lost... then it was unexpectedly found again?

How do I begin. How do I deal. How do I contain myself.

I know something has happened. I've finally cut something out of my life... and it doesn't even feel like it's missing anymore. I finally deleted all his e-mails... off MSN... I even blocked him... and I strangely don't feel a loss like I thought I would.

I must ask myself... why. Why don't I feel like I've lost a friend? Perhaps because he was never a friend in the first place... why do I not feel like I've lost a deep emotional part of myself? Perhaps because I'm not missing anything.

Perhaps... just maybe... maybe I am ok. Maybe I am whole... and maybe I have found myself again.

Perhaps I'm on that journey... the one towards Happyness (yes. the "Y" is there on purpose). There is also saying that true happiness is not a goal but the journey. Am I on that journey now? How do I feel, what am I going through?

Every weekend that has passed since I started going with V... I think, I've learned something... or felt something new... or had some sort of revelation. Everytime I speak with him, chat with him on MSN... experience life with him as a part of it... I figure something else out about me, about him, about us, and just about "the journey" in general.

I'm a little scared. I'm a little exhilarated. I'm a little wary... okay, more than a little.

This past weekend I was asked... or openly accepted to go to the annual visiting of V's father at the cemetary... a deeply personal and touching event normally attended only by family members or those close to the family. I think I nearly cried at the grave site.

You might ask why... I never knew the man, had never met him while he was alive in *this* life. I don't know. I suppose just the circumstance, the surroundings, the emotion I was feeling from those around me... I seriously nearly lost it. Perhaps the tears would have been for the family... knowing what a loss it was... perhaps the tears would have been for me... and the sheer emotion in such a gesture... who knows.

I could be flighty about it all... with flowers and poetry and cupid's arrows and the whatnot... but really... let's face it... I've never been like that... I probably never will be. I am getting more contemplative about the whole thing... and taking it a little more seriously than I had been. I am now in a sort of stalemate with myself. I wonder where I go next, what move could I possibly make?

The advice to "just go with it" is usually a good piece... except... I don't know where this is going.

I feel like I've come home.